Filtering by Tag: neighbor

The Deranged Neighbor Letter

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*WARNING: Rant Ahead*

While all of the world has been delighting in the readings of the crazy Delta Gamma sorority letter, Mr. Goddard and I have been dealing with a letter of our very own.  Not from some cute girl on an F bomb bender, but from our retired, chain smoking, green-thumbed neighbor.

To paint a blurry picture, we live in an older duplex in East Sacramento.  A great little place with super cheap rent, but we share a wall with this looney old broad.  And she's ALWAYS home!  Smoking in her camping chairs in front of the house, alongside her dirty little dog.  Decorating the house/lawn with gawdy garden chotskies. Or stomping around in her house - I s-w-e-a-r she rearranges her furniture every day.  It's becoming clear that this is her house, her yard and we're just (rudely) living in it.

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This entire rant centers around the delightful topic of dog poop.  You'll notice at the center of the above photo her clarification of "fece's or shit"!  We weren't sure what belonged to the fece, but we better understand her use of shit.  However, I think it was pretty shitty that she gathered dog poop from the "communal" garden in "our" backyard and left it in a pile on an empty potting soil bag in the middle of the yard.  I think it's funny that she felt she was doing us a favor because I felt she was being passive aggressive and Mr. Goddard felt the need to return it to the front of her garage! ;)

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Our punishment for being passive aggressive back?  This letter was taped to our door at some point of Friday night.  She probably tattled to our landlord as well.  I wouldn't be surprised.  

Thank you Barbara.  We laughed at you ALL weekend.  

These are the kinds of things I hope to look back on one day when we're paying our own mortgage instead of someone else's and we're no longer forced to share a yard or wait for toilet/air conditioning/water to be fixed.  

In the meantime I'm going to see if Michael Shannon is available to do a reading of our letter.

If you don't like small talk then you shouldn't own a dog.

I have repeated this to myself many times since Oscar and I have moved into the palace.  All I want to do is take Oscar to go potty after work and I constantly find myself getting stuck talking to a neighbor!

Since moving in:

  • After pointing out that there was a lot of dog poop in front of MY door {not hers} she asked me what kind of dog Oscar was.  She then went on to tell me how her dog was rescued from the pound.  She sent in a cotton swab to test his DNA and find out what kind of mix he was.  Did you know you could even do that?!
  • Another man who smokes out on his patio every day asked me, “are you going to let him poop there”?  Even though I had a bag.  Uhh yeah asshole and I’m sure you never flick cigarette butts out your van window while driving!
  • Once some bible thumpers tried to convert me LDS while Oscar was taking a shit. They even shook my hand and thanked me for my time AFTER I’d bagged up the poop. Really?! 
  • Just this afternoon, mine and Kaila’s least favorite neighbor, “The Creeper“‘s wife came over to give me her Mary Kay spiel.  Again, while Oscar was pooping - which she commented on.  She kindly gave me samples.  Which hand would you like to put that in?  The one with the leash or the one with poop bag?

UGGGGHHH!?  What is with people?!  At least when I had a bulldog all they wanted to talk about was her.  Everyone has a bulldog story and wants to share it.  That I can handle.  Bible thumpers - notsomuch!

 

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